Shove another ‘cast in your podhole

There’s exactly one zillion wrestling podcasts in the world.  I have a hard time believing that anyone listens to most of them but then again what else do wrestling fans have to do?  Not have sex am I right?  I did a double shot in Austin last weekend and some dude was sitting on a folding chair “backstage” gassing on about his podcast and how it was going to make him a star.  I don’t think it works like that, no one is going to listen to the podcast of a Chili’s assistant manager in LaGrange who wrestles twice a month in front of fifteen people.  You have to already be famous for anyone to listen to your podcast – it’s not going to make you famous.

But since every wrestler has to have a podcast here’s what mine is going to be.  I’m going to have a podcast where a celebrity guest – A-listers only – and I discuss just the first scene of every episode of law and order.  That opening three minute scene where a jogger or a guy driving a truck finds the dead body and then at the end one of the detectives really lays a zinger out there about the dead person and/or the way they died and/or the potential murderer.

For example we’d watch the first part of the 1999 episode “Empire” and then we’d talk extensively about Lenny’s wham line “Looks like he got SOMETHING straight!” because he was talking about the dead guy’s dick.  We’d really do a deep dive on how that joke was about the dead guy’s erect penis.  Was it really straight?  Most of them curve up.  Some of them curve to the side.  We’d really dig into the joke about the dead guy’s dick. 

Has anyone used a podcast to get over?  Colt Cabana is the only name that comes to mind, but it’s impossible to say if the podcast made him more popular or if his popularity made the podcast successful.  Maybe there’s some synergy there but when he started his podcast he was already 10 years into his career and had a ton of friends that were big stars that he could interview.  Plus he’s charismatic and interesting.  Maybe a podcast can bump you up once you’re already making a good living in the biz?

I admit that I should be doing more on social media to promote myself but it’s all so tedious.  Plus look what happened to Sonia Deville.  I guess Mandy Rose was the one that was going to be murdered, but Sonia was the one being stalked.  So.  That’s the good thing about technically being homeless – if anyone wants to stalk me they have to really be dedicated.

As far as I know there aren’t any podcasts about learning magic.  Maybe that’s my lane.

If you’re a werewolf experiencing male pattern baldness call today

I worked a show in Tyler last night and after my match I went to the promoter to get paid and he tried to tell me that he had already paid me.  I always try to get money up front but promoters rarely go for that because wrestlers are flaky even when they don’t intend on ripping you off, and also they’re often looking to rip you off.  I knew that he hadn’t paid me so things got loud.  I got pissed and left and started looking for stuff to steal.

Here’s the deal, remember before when I said that I wasn’t a criminal?  Well there’s a tradition in the world of wrestling that if the guy running the show stiffs you (which happens) what you do is you steal whatever you can to make up for the lost income.  I saw a guy walk out of a venue with a thousand Solo cups one time because he didn’t get paid.  This doesn’t make a lot of sense because you’re not stealing from the guy that ripped you off, you’re stealing from the venue, which only hurts yourself in the long run because it makes the people that own the venue less likely to book another wrestling show there.  But when you drive 8 hours to a show to work for twenty fucking dollars and then you don’t even get it because the asshole who hired you won’t pony up, you start looking for a way to get even.  Not in the payback sense, I mean monetarily.  

I’ve done this myself a few times, so I guess I am a criminal, but it’s justified by tradition like Alaskan natives hunting endangered whales.  While I was looking for something to steal though I remembered that actually I had gotten paid in advance and I was pissed over nothing.  I probably should have gone back and apologized but after you tell someone you’re going to cut their wife’s face off, the bridge is probably burned.  I need to get an app on my phone to keep track of this shit.  My finances are very complicated.

Before that drama though, I got lectured by a sixty year old man with a potbelly and skinny chicken legs wearing a werewolf mask.  Or what was left of a werewolf mask anyway, it looked like he had been wearing the same one since the 80’s and some of it had worn away and the rest had fused with his bald head.  I was going over my match with a woman whose name I forget – she was wearing a school girl outfit which along with cheerleader is the outfit of choice for 35% of independent lady wrestlers.  And probably similar ratio for strippers.    While I was talking with the schoolgirl, the fat werewolf came over to bless us with his veteran advice.  He asked me what my gimmick was and I told him that I didn’t have one.

He got pissed because he said you need a gimmick to make it in this business.  I declined to point out that he was working the same shit show I was.  He asked what kind of story we could tell with a schoolgirl in one corner and then a no gimmick in the other.  I asked him what kind of a story can you tell with an adult woman in a school girl outfit and anyone else?  Besides porn. 

He has a point I suppose, but what kind of gimmick can I have that doesn’t really cost any money in the form of new gear or props or anything and also doesn’t require me to do or say anything?  That’s a very narrow window for creative thinking.  Maybe I should steal El Generico’s gimmick – he’s dead so he doesn’t need it anymore.  I’m not sure how I feel about wrestling in a mask though. 

When is a rat just a rat?

When I was hiding under the ring one time letting my fetch get dropped on its head (it’s not really a living thing it’s a crash test dummy so don’t feel bad) I saw a rat one time.  Nothing shocking about seeing a rat, a lot of the shows I work are held in real dumps, so there’s bound to be a few rats.  But something about this particular rat got my Spidey sense tingling.  I stared at it and it stared at me for a few minutes before it disappeared into the darkness.  Or maybe it literally disappeared.  I don’t know why, but something about it bumped me. 

Ever since I found out that magic is real I’ve been wondering what else is real.  Vampires?  Bigfoot?  Shapeshifters?  Goblins?  Ghouls?  Santa?  The Queen of England?  Was what I saw that night a magic rat or was it just a rat?  What does it even mean to be a magic rat?  Was it a familiar for another magic person?  Are familiars real?  I don’t have a mentor anymore when it comes to magic (or any other kind of mentor) so I have no one to ask these things.

One thing I know for sure is that the bible says that magic is real.  One of the foster homes I was in for a while was really into God and that’s the exposure I have to religion.  Didn’t care for it personally.  But if the bible is right about magic what else is it right about?  The bible is also pretty definitive in saying that not only is magic real but also that it comes from Satan and you should never do it, which is an issue for someone like me.  There’s a story from the bible where a magic guy is flying around and being magic and evil and Peter uses his God powers to make his magic go away and the magic guy falls to the ground and dies.  Yeah. 

At first I assumed that the chances of me meeting another magic person were close to zero traveling around in the wrestling world.  But I think I could be wrong about that.  Wrestling is a world made up largely of fringe people who don’t (and often can’t) function in the 9-5 world of “normal” people.  People that know about and can do magic have to be the same right?  I think that magic has to be the providence of people who are willing to believe and that’s mostly going to be on the outside of society – which is squarely where wrestlers fall.  You think someone like Necro Butcher has the same system of beliefs as an accountant? 

Statistically being a wrestler and knowing magic are both pretty rare, so throwing in some multiplication it seems like having them both in the same person is almost impossible, but maybe it’s the opposite.  I mean, the guy who taught me about magic was also a wrestler.  Is it possible that most magic people are also wrestlers?  That would really be something wouldn’t it? 

Getting dropped on your head for fun and profit

Here’s the thing.  Unless you happen to get booked on a show for a women’s promotion, and good fucking luck with that, most wrestling shows don’t have any women on the card.  If they do it’s usually one match for women, or maybe just an intergender match.  It’s rare that a show even has two women’s matches.  If they get more than a couple of women on the show they just toss you all into a tag match clusterfuck and call it good.  I know most women like that because it’s easy work but I hate them.  And don’t even get me started on battle fucking royals.  

The point is that right off the bat I have 90% less opportunities to work than a man.  And that’s just the beginning.  Wrestling is fucking hard.  You need a lot of practice to get good at it.  So the less you get booked the worse you are, and the worse you are the less you get booked, and on and on.  It’s one of those self-fulfilling prophecies. 

Of course the real problem is that no one really gives a shit about women’s wrestling.  A few years back the WWE tried to cash in on whatever you want to call it at the time when people were pretending to care about gender equality.  This happens every 10-15 years, everyone gets all riled about how women shouldn’t get treated like garbage.  WWE had a women’s “revolution” and it became popular to pretend that you liked women’s wrestling.  It didn’t last long because you don’t.  It’s like the WNBA and the NBA – it exists but you can’t compare them. 

I actually work a ton for someone as new as I am and you know, being a woman.  A lot of guys at this stage would be lucky to work once a month, and women?  Forget about it.  I know women that have been “in the biz” for six months that have had one match.  I get booked because I have a reputation for being a broad that will take any bump.  It wasn’t that long ago that most women wrestlers couldn’t or wouldn’t even do a basic back bump – even the ones on TV making shitloads of money.  Their matches could be good but it was all very basic stuff – the kind of stuff a man would do in their first match.  Nothing too crazy. 

I get booked because people say that I’ll take any move you want.  My secret?  I don’t.  I’ve only “mastered” (I put that in quotes out of respect to true masters because I barely know what I’m doing) a couple spells, but two of them are very helpful for my chosen profession.  One is healing hands.  Which is just what it sounds like.  Injuries are a fact of life when you fall down for a living, I have a leg up on that because any spot on my body I can heal with magic.  More or less.  I did fuck up my shoulder one time trying to reach a spot on my back to heal it, but I was able to heal the injury I did to myself that I got trying to heal myself.  Which is funny a little.  The healing spell doesn’t even take very much energy.  Seems like it would put it doesn’t. 

But it’s the other spell that gets me booked.  I can create a fetch.  A fetch is . . . something, I don’t even know what it is really, that can look exactly like you.  You have to work on that, the first one I made looked like a six foot tall melted candle with some skin on it.  It can’t do anything, it can’t even fetch things ironically, it just stands there and looks like you.  It’s not alive but it’s like the world’s most accurate and articulated made to order sex doll.  It’s pretty fucking weird to see yourself like that.  The point is that sometimes, not often because it takes a lot of juice, I’ll roll under the ring, create a fetch, and push that back out for my opponent to do whatever they want.  Wail on it with a chair, smash it through a table, or one that people really shit their pants over – an unprotected piledriver.  The kind of stuff they do in Japan. 

It can’t sell but that’s okay in these instances because you wouldn’t sell most of these moves anyway – you’d just lay there like you’re dead, which is all that it can do.  Besides, people are losing their shit over what they just saw anyway and the guy who did the move is prancing around making an ass of themselves so they’re paying attention to that, which helps.  And yes, it’s usually guys doing whatever crazy move is being done.  Most women don’t even know anything that looks cool enough to waste using the spell on.  Which seems like an indictment but why would they learn a move that they can’t use safely?

The only part that sucks is then I’m stuck under the ring until the show is over.  And it’s fucking hot under there. 

It’s like the golden rule kinda

If you drive as much as I do you realize that the road system doesn’t make much sense.  The paths a lot of roads are illogical when you examine it. When you drive a lot you can see that.  It’s easy to assume that when they build roads they’re doing that to avoid something in the landscape that would make it too hard to build. Or to avoid disturbing some natural feature they want to preserve. 

But when you know that magic exists and a little bit about it, a lot of the paths roads follow seem to be laid out in a very specific pattern to channel magical energy.  I have no way to prove it. I think about this sometimes on my marathon drives. If I’m right that means that the government knows about magic and is building roads to move it around.  The implications of what that could mean are hard to wrap my mind around.

I worked a show in Amarillo last night and before it started they trotted out a skinny woman in a hideous red and green dress to sing the American and Canadian anthems.  Most places don’t bother with the national anthem but this is Texas so I was expecting it.  But why the Canadian anthem?  That threw me for a loop.  Once in a great while when you’re at a “real” sporting event up north I’ve heard they’ll do that, but we’re nowhere near the border.  And we’re in fucking Texas!  It makes no sense. 

Terry Funk is from Amarillo, or at least claimed to be for wrestling purposes.   Years ago when wrestling was popular for a hot Texas minute they released a documentary about it called Beyond The Mat. It was in the movie theaters and everything.  In that movie they show Terry Funk with his daughters.  Terry Funk, even before he annihilated himself wrestling into his 60s, was not a good looking dude.  And his wife is nothing to get excited about either.  But his daughters are all gorgeous.  How does that happen?

There’s a scene in that movie where a douchebag asshole piece of shit promoter says that he has to be a douchebag asshole piece of shit because if he doesn’t the wrestlers will walk all over him.  This is true. 

But the wrestlers are trying to fuck over the promoter because they’re expecting the promoter to try and fuck them over.  That’s capitalism in a nutshell, fuck or be fucked.  It’s like one of those snake eating its own tail things, it just keeps feeding itself infinitely forever.

How can you fix something like that?  There’s no way to start.  If you try to be the person who doesn’t participate in the scam then you’re like the person who doesn’t hold onto the merry-go-round, you get fucking thrown off.  It’s like when two dopeheads who don’t know each other meet and are trying to ask if the other one has the stuff. It’s hard to make the first move because you don’t want to show your ass. 

Everything little thing I do is magic

Magic works by manipulating the energy.  Some people call the energy mana, which is dumb.  Some people call it quintessence which is also dumb.  Some call it chi, which I think is dumb too but I don’t say that it’s dumb because it might be racist.

 I just call it magic.  The first guy that told me about magic called it ñeque, I don’t know what that means but he was from Mexico so it made more sense for him to call it that maybe.

This energy is all over the place but mostly it’s in living things.  You can draw it from the “air” around you but not much.  You can train yourself to store more inside your own body than most people, which I am doing, but it takes a while to really build up a good reserve. 

You can also get it from other living beings, either by killing them, which I am not into, or by having them give it to you willingly.  That’s why a lot of magic people start cults.  I don’t like that word because it has a negative spin but what else are you going to call a group of followers whose only real deal is to help you become more powerful?   

That’s what all that chanting and ritual stuff is about. It helps non-magic people focus their energy and pass it to the magic person leading the ceremony.  What they’re doing is all basically nonsense, it doesn’t really matter what the “ceremony” is as long as it concentrates people’s thoughts in the right way.  Doing magic is hard, you need a lot of energy to do anything, which is why it helps to have a throng of followers feeding it to you.

I had one follower once.  He looked like the Macho Man only not muscular.  He looked like a cross between the Macho Man and that goofy skinny kid who was in all the teen sex movies in the 2000s.  He was in an episode of Breaking Bad too.  He was the undercover cop who got Badger. 

My main problem with attracting followers, aside from not liking people, is that I move around too much.  To get a good cult going you need a base of operations.  The skinny Macho Man did customer service so he traveled around with me for a while, I’d be driving to my next booking and he’d be sitting in the seat next to me with a laptop and a headset on taking calls.  To this day I have no idea what people were calling him to help them with.  Something about mortgages or bankruptcy maybe.

He’d help me out with magic but one follower doesn’t give you a lot of energy – it’s like having one potato chip, it doesn’t go far.  He did more to help me by driving sometimes while I slept. 

I met him when he came up to me after a show geeking out about how he was a big fan and asked me if he could buy my ring gear. This is a gross thing some women do.  I told him no, but asked if he wanted to join my cult as a joke.  He said he was into it and that was that. 

He wanted me to cast a spell to make his ex-wife take him back.  I wanted him to pay for gas and hotel rooms.  I never cast any spell but eventually his ex-wife did take him back because she got knocked up by some other guy and needed help.  The skinny macho man gave me the credit for it anyway.

I’m not sure how to swing it but if I could get a traveling cult with me that would really help.  I don’t understand how they get money though.  Those people that follow Phish around in concert – how do they make a living and afford Phish merchandise? 

It would be doubly useful because besides giving me their magic juice, they could all come to my shows as well and cheer for me.  It would help me get booked if I brought a couple dozen fans with me to every show I worked.  Plus with that many people maybe there would be a camper van and I wouldn’t have to sleep in my car.

You know what you look like

I saw a video of a wardrobe malfunction I had at a show in Fayetteville a few weeks back.  My nipple was exposed for a nanosecond. If there’s one talent wrestling fans have it’s detecting nipples and then isolating and expanding them to be shared with the world.  I don’t know which to be upset about more, the video being posted or the fact that only two hundred people have viewed it.

Or that it has no likes.

I worked a show in Lawrence last night. The promoter actually did some advertising, which is a god damn miracle. Humorously most promoters are terrible at promoting.  They put up a few flyers and call it good and then wonder why no one shows up. 

Maybe they should be called organizers. Or just assholes.  Most of the promoting was about how some local DJ was going to fight a porn star on the show But at least they were getting the word out.  Her name was Juicebox or Gloryhole.  I’d heard all kinds of promotion about how this porn star was going to be there.  This is an important detail for what happens next.

I get to the venue, and, they have a dressing room for the female talent. This is another miracle.   I dress in my car most of the time because a lot of these joints have nowhere for anyone to dress and if they do it’s for the guys because there’s at best two women on the show anyway. 

I know some women go in there and dress with the guys like it’s no big deal. While making a big deal about how it’s no big deal to them. It will be a cold day in hell before I do that.  They promoted the show and they had a dressing room for me?  This should have been a great gig.

When I went into the changing area, I saw a woman with giant bleach-blonde hair, gianter fake tits, a mess of crappy tattoos, and those weird puffy porn lips they have.  What’s the deal with those porn lips?  Collagen? 

I assumed that was the porn lady I had heard so much about.  So we start talking and I asked her something about being in the adult film industry and she flipped because it turns out she was not the porn lady, she was a wrestler there to work the show like me.  I apologized. I also pointed out that looking the way she did, she shouldn’t be so offended if someone makes that mistake.  In retrospect that was not cool.

This made her more mad, mad enough that she tried to slap me.  I got a hold of her by the arm and forced her to the ground, not hurting her (much) and I explained to her that she may come from some Real Housewives slap-happy bullshit fucking world where that’s something you do to emphasize a point, but that in the world I come from if you slap someone that means you want to fight, a real fight with punching and eye gouging, not sissy slaps. 

I told her that I was going to let her up and when I did if she tried slapping me again, knowing what that meant, then we’d have a fight because that what she was asking for.  When I let her up and she didn’t try to slap me again, she just cursed the blue blazes at me and then ran off to cry to the promoter.

I’m pretty sure he would have kicked me off the show if he hadn’t already paid me.  Instead I had to listen to a lecture from him and then apologize to her again because she looks like an adult film actress.  I already have a reputation for being “difficult” and reputation is all you have to get jobs in this line of work, so this isn’t great. 

On top of everything else my match sucked.  The girl I was working with was sandbagging me the whole time and everything we did looked like shit.  I don’t know if it’s because she’s friends with the not porn star or just because she knew the promoter was mad at me and she wanted to suck up to him by making me look bad but she was giving me nothing.  We totally botched the finish and she fucking landed right on my face with her ass.

Here’s the punchline.  The actual porn star never showed up, so the lady I was beefing with did the spot with the DJ pretending to be a porn star.  The irony was lost on everyone else.

What does it really mean to “own” a car anyway?

I talked to a guy about working a show in Topeka.  Everything was going fine until he asked me what my finish was.  I told him that I didn’t have a finish and he started lecturing me about how I needed a finish, he clearly thought I was a rube who knew nothing when in reality I’m a savvy six month veteran of the biz. 

I interrupted and told him that I didn’t need a finish because I always lose and then he started lecturing me about that.  Eventually I told him that I use a superkick as a finish in honor of my illegitimate father “Gentleman” Chris Adams.  He got angry and hung up on me.  So much for that forty bucks.

Someone nice would say that I live in a string of cheap hotel rooms.  Someone in the middle would say that I live in my car.  Someone who’s a jerk would say that I’m homeless.  All of them would be right. 

When I have the cash I do stay in a hotel. Motel usually – if you don’t know the difference good for you. A lot of the time I sleep in my car.  It’s a ’96 Caprice Classic wagon that I bought for a hundred and fifty dollars off a wrestler called “Fanatic” Mike Mantic, talked him down from two hundred. 

I asked Mike why he didn’t call himself “Maniac” Mike Mantic and he said that there were too many maniacs in wrestling.   Not sure if he meant that literally or not.  I should have told him to switch to “Frantic” Mike Mantic.

Despite living in it, I don’t think I even legally own it. There was no paperwork involved other than me handing Fanatic Mike a wad of sweaty paper bills.  It’s open for debate if Fanatic Mike owned it when he sold it to me.  Whenever I get pulled over though I have an index card that I wrote “registration” on and it always works because I put a spell on it. 

Magic works best that way, subtle like, making a piece of paper look like whatever the person wants to see.  Making a tree look like a duck is hard, but a piece of paper is a piece of paper, the meaning of the piece of paper is something we made up.  You look at it and your brain makes up what it is – it’s already a kind of magic. 

I’m not saying that it’s impossible to use magic to fly into the air like Superman or to shoot lightening out of your hands like Superman but I’ve never seen anyone do it.  And I saw a comic where Superman created a lightning bolt by rubbing his hand together fast so don’t tell me that he can’t do that.  Must make jerking off a real adventure.

Sometimes people ask me why I don’t just magic up some money.  They tell me that if they had magic the first thing they would do is make themselves rich.  I say to them “why don’t YOU counterfeit money, you can do that without magic” and they just stare at me because they don’t really think I can do magic anyway and were just joking around. 

Learning magic doesn’t make me a criminal.  Also magic is not like getting a wish from a genie, you can’t “make yourself rich”.  The first thing you’d do is whatever the person teaching you magic taught you.  Saying the first thing you’d do is make yourself rich is like saying when you learn math the first thing you’re going to do is solve the Birch and Swinnerton-Dyer conjecture.  The first thing I did with magic was turn a pair of wrestling trunks from black to blue.  It sorta worked.  

Magic and wrestling don’t have a lot in common, other than shitty pay, but one thing that’s very much the same is that it’s not something you want to learn by trial and error.  You only do stuff someone has taught you to do safely, and you only do it once you’ve practiced it enough and know that you can do right, unless you’re an asshole. 

Once you know some magic you can VERY carefully expand on it yourself but you need to be VERY careful.  You’re dealing with the foundations of the universe.  Anything could happen if you do it wrong.  Well not anything, just bad things.  

Hello

My name is Grace. That’s the name I’ve chosen anyway because I don’t know my real name. I also don’t know how old I am exactly. People think that’s pretty weird, we’ll get into that sometime probably.

I’m a professional wrestler. An old timer was lamenting all the years he’s been in the biz and all the memories he’s forgotten so I decided to start this thing. I refuse to call it a diary or a journal. It’s just a thing.

My wrestling name is Amazing Grace which is stupid and annoying because there’s already a million social media things and websites with that name about Christianity so it’s hard to me to do anything online that people can find. I didn’t think about that because I figured I just get another name but I’m kind of stuck with it now. I’ll talk about that sometime too.

I’m also learning how to do magic. Real magic, not David Copperfield shit with capes and rings and smoke. I’ll definitely talk about that. It’s not as cool as you think, but it’s still pretty cool.

The only thing I really have to say today is that most women get pissed about people knowing their weight but if I’m lucky I have someone announce my weight to a roomful of people 3-4 times a week. It’s not usually my actual weight, but that doesn’t matter because whatever they say is going to make people think about it. The more people in a week who find out what I weigh the better the week is for me. So I got that going for me.