Tl;dr

The AEPW show was fine.  Benny the evil referee was snug with me but it’s nothing I can’t handle.  I’ve been hurt worse for less.  I got to win, which was a nice change of pace.  What can I say about the MMA fight with Alyonka “Fist” Belaya?  I got paid.  I wasn’t planning on trying to make it a contest anyway but once I saw her there was no way in hell anyway.  She had fifty pounds on me at least. 

I looked online to see how MMA weight classes work, I guess I’d be a super welterweight but that’s the heaviest for women so there’s no limit from there?  If anyone knows about women’s MMA, explain it to me.  We danced around a little, she got me in a hold and I tapped.  The crowd started chanting “bullshit” and “fix”.  The end of my MMA “career” I assume.  It would only be a fix if the person who was supposed to win took a dive.  Why would anyone ask the person who was going to lose anyway to take a dive?  It was definitely bullshit, they were right about that.

I had about two grand in my pocket, more money than I’ve ever had at one time before in my life incidentally.  I had no shows upcoming.  It was time to head back to the site of the Bloody Mary incident.  First stop was the Welcome Inn & Suites.  I asked for the same room where I sat bleeding and dry heaving.  I don’t know why.  The guy working there remembered me.  He asked if I was going to make trouble again.  I asked him what he was going to do if I said yes.

After getting my accommodations squared away, I returned to the hallowed halls of the Berwyn Eagles Club.  Looked like there was a wedding reception going on there.  I didn’t really have a plan for investigating what had happened.  Walk about and see if I could sense something.  Try a version of my finding spell maybe.  It turned out I didn’t need a plan.

As I sat in my ’96 Caprice Classic wagon wondering what to do next, a girl popped out of a 2018 Lexus GS in the parking lot.  I’m not good at describing people.  I want to say she looked like that girl from Superstore but maybe I just think that because she’s Asian.  I don’t know how to phrase it, she didn’t look older than she was but she looked better?  I’m not explaining it well.  She’s one of those 17-year-olds that pervs who aren’t full pedos are counting down the days until her 18th birthday. 

The first thing she said to me was “Took you long enough”.  I’m not great in social situations but not because I get rattled.  This girl rattled me.  I felt off balance the entire time I was talking to her.  She’s the one who fucked up my spell.  I think whatever she did has been fucking up my magic since then.  Her boyfriend had dragged her to the show and I think she just did it because she was bored.

She took me to a Thai restaurant to talk.  One the way I asked her if her parents gave her the car.  She told me that a car dealership guy had given it to her because she used magic on him.  And had sex with him once.  The open way she talked about sex threw me off more than the way she talked freely about magic.

She told me that she had learned magic from some books she found that belonged to Christa Pike or her boyfriend.  If I had known who Christa Pike was at the time, I don’t know what I would have done in that moment.

I think this girl is seriously fucked up.  Not in an obvious way.  I watched that show about the girl that did the Slenderman stabbings and she totally seems like a psycho.  You can tell.  This girl wasn’t like that.  She seemed normal enough sometimes.

She obviously wanted to show off.  She shoved her phone in my face and I asked her why she was showing me porn.  She laughed and said that it was her mom and a teacher that was hassling her.  She said that she used magic to make them have sex and she recorded it and put it online.

I think she was lying about a lot of things she said she did, but if even half the shit she said was true, she’s a far more powerful magic user than I am.  I felt numb walking away from that restaurant.  She took me back to my car and told me to meet her tomorrow. 

I think something very bad is going to happen.

I’m Batman, I’m Awesome, I Got a Nine Pack

@kalistowwe

Check this shit out, that’s Kalisto!    The guy looks like that and he can work and what do they do with him?  Literally he gets thrown in the trash by Braun Strowman.  How does that fucking make sense?  I don’t know if he speaks English very well.  I think that holds you back in McMahonland.  It doesn’t make sense to me because even if someone is getting a push, generally you never get any promo time anyway so what difference does it make if you aren’t a strong English speaker?

All his Instagram and twitter posts, if he’s not wearing a mask either his face is blurred out or he’s got it covered up like this.  I wondered what luchadores who come to America do.  In some of the pictures his wife has a mask on too, and I don’t think she’s a wrestler.  I never thought about that before, but I guess you’d have to do something otherwise people who knew what your wife looked like would find you out.  I like to imagine that the mask is presented along with the engagement ring.

I should work on my promos.  A lot of people say that’s what they do as they drive around – go over promos in the car.  I’m just not good at talking.  Maybe I can find some videos that give me some tips on public speaking.  Or maybe I should just watch some old promos from the 70s and rip them off.  Who would know?  Who would care?

Some people have asked since I live in my car and live off fast food and other cheap garbage if I use magic to keep myself in shape.  I find that very offensive.  I may not have Kalisto abs, but I bust my ass to stay in shape.  There are gyms in every town and my spell with the piece of paper works just as well with them.  Yes, I am a member, here’s my membership card.  I’d like to remind you again that I am not a criminal.

Not only that, but I stop the car and run five or six miles all the time.  That’s free.  It’s hard to eat healthy on the road .  It’s really hard to eat healthy when you’re poor but I do the best that I can.  I’m not slamming down half a dozen Big Macs a day.  The idea that I am training like a fiend every day and you people would think that I am using magic to maintain fitness is insulting.  I work hard to stay in shape.

And also I use some magic.

Total Drama Island

This is going to seem like one of those melodramatic cries for help designed to elicit sympathy or scream for attention but it’s not.  I’m many things but an emotional vampire isn’t one of them. 

I don’t really know what it feels like to be happy.  I don’t think I’m depressed or traumatized, I just don’t really know what happiness is.  When I get some money in my pocket I feel a sense of relief.  But that’s not what happiness is.  I don’t think I believe in therapy, but I would be interested in what a therapist would say about me if we talked for a while.  Like they do on Law and Order when someone crazy commits murder and they want to lock them up. 

I watched the episode the other day where Dr. Olivet puts herself in the path of a rapist and gets raped twice in order to catch the guy.  That’s pretty fucked up.

Many wrestlers talk about how they’re addicted to the rush of being in the ring.  Heels often talk about how much they love when people hate them.  I’ve never really felt that.  I’ll be honest, I do like upsetting people.  When some asshole in the crowd is being an asshole, I like messing with them.  But what I really want to do is punch them.  I don’t think that’s happiness.  Or if it is, it’s not a good kind. 

All I really do is drive to shows and perform.  Driving certainly doesn’t make me happy and if performing doesn’t either, what else is there?  I watched a video once that talked about how you can’t fulfill any emotional needs until all your physical needs are met.  Maybe that’s going on with me.  Maybe until I feel like I’m safe having enough money to live, I can’t worry about anything else. 

Differentiation between the figure of the pimp and the social reality are relevant

After the show I worked last night, I watched part of the Dark Side of the Ring about the Fabulous Moolah.  She was into turning out the girls she was supposed to be training.  This finally gave me an idea for some merch.  A shirt that looks like the famous Andre and Hogan poster from WrestleMania 3 with their faces replaced with Moolah and the Godfather.  Is it in poor taste?  Of course.  But that’s what wrestling is.  I don’t know why people get so uptight about that sort of thing.

I’ve watched a couple Dark Side of the Ring episodes and overall I like it.  My one complaint is that I think they exaggerate how big the person they’re talking about was.  In the Moolah one they talked about Wendi Richter being as popular as Hulk Hogan. They also said that women’s wrestling was about to become big shit until Moolah ruined it.  I doubt both of those things. 

Seems like they claim everyone they talk about was as big as Hogan or Flair.  I guess they have to do that to make you care about what they’re talking about.  The one I like the best is about David Schultz slapping a TV reporter.  I sometimes tell people I’m the illegitimate daughter of Greg “the Hammer” Valentine but maybe I should switch to Dave Schultz.

This is what I mean when I say that wrestling is strangely uptight.  Instead of being fired, Dave Schultz should have become their #1 heel.  Wrestling people would have loved it.  Instead, his career was over.  It makes no sense.  The reporter dude still sued the WWF anyway, what good did it do to fire him? 

I wonder if there are still any news people anyone cares enough about that I could get attention by smacking them.  Probably not. 

Slaughterhouse 30

When I pulled up to the venue yesterday, I thought there had to be a mistake.  It looked like the kind of place you’d see in a horror movie where a serial killer would wash his mannequins.  I called the booker though and it was the right place.  I think he fucked up and booked the wrong building and just wouldn’t admit it.

It looked like an old factory to me but it turned out to be a slaughterhouse.  Correction, an abandoned slaughterhouse.  There was for sure a serial killer in there somewhere.  There were maybe sixty folding chairs set up in animal pens.  The stench was putrid.  If you guessed 0 for the guess-the-attendance game, you win.  Several other people booked on the show asked the man if we should even bother to go out there.  He insisted that if we wanted to get paid we had to work.  So I had a three minute match with someone whose name I don’t remember in front of literally no one and got paid thirty bucks.   

Turns out I was wrong about All Elite Pro Wrestling.  They want me to come back and do an angle with the guy that was reffing that match with the Irish boxing woman.  I guess they got a lot of fans asking about that fucked up match that wasn’t really a match. Maybe I’ll be part of a minor piece of wrestling lore – ‘did you see that match where the two chicks were fighting for real and then the referee choked one of them?’  They’re being smart and trying to make a little money off it.

My only concern is that it’s a set-up and the guy is going to try and hurt me.  As I understand it, Irish Terry is maybe is girlfriend.  I get the sense that it’s a situation where they’re not really together except in the referee guy’s mind.  No one I’ve talked to could tell me what the fuck she was doing.  Why was she trying to punch my lights out?

The promoter thought I was playing hardball and offered me 300 dollars.  I said I wanted half paid in advance and he agreed.  Just that 150 is more than I’ve ever gotten paid to wrestle.  So in a couple weeks I’m going to be working a wrestler called Gage XXX.  That has to be one of the all-time worst names I’ve heard.  But he’s going to be portraying Benny the referee.  Get your tickets now!

Natasha called me and so, assuming I don’t get killed in that match, shortly thereafter I’m going to be racking up an 0-2 MMA record when I fight a Russian judoka for 1500 dollars.  Assuming I don’t get killed in that real fight, things are looking up for me.

Bloody Mary’s revenge

My wrist has been aching since the “Irish” Terry affair.  I don’t know if I jammed it when I threw that punch or in the scuffle with the referee.  My healing spell hasn’t worked very well.  It feels better for a couple minutes but then the pain comes back.  That’s never happened before.  I’ve been hurt much worse and the spell fixed it.

Looking back, my magic has been unreliable lately.  I’m thinking about the Bloody Mary incident.  What if my spell didn’t fail?  What if someone else quashed it?  Royale could do that.  He did it often when he was training me.  If I was about to release a spell that was wrong and going to do something unpredictable or dangerous he would snuff it out.

Maybe that’s what someone did to me at that show.  I think Royale was a very powerful magician.  Maybe cancelling out someone else’s spell is really hard.  But maybe it isn’t.  I just don’t know.  I went deep down an internet hole looking at everyone I could remember who was on that show.  I don’t know what I was searching for.  It’s not like they would have an Instagram story of them doing magic. 

Could Bloody Mary herself be magic?  It could have just as easily been someone in the crowd.  Not that there were many people there.  After a while I thought ‘forget the who, what about the why?’  Why would someone want to stop my spell? 

I have what is for me a pretty good stack of cash from the MMA fight.  I think I want to go back to that venue and investigate.  But I need more money.  I don’t want to get trapped again.  I called Natasha and asked if her boyfriend could get me another fight.  She was surprised to hear from me. Probably because she stole half my money and set me up to get my ass kicked.  I told her no hard feelings.  I wanted the full payment this time.  She said she would look into it for fifteen percent.  I agreed.

If she finds me something, this time I’m going to be smart about it.

You’ll know when I knee you in the face

Last night I worked a match with “Irish” Terry McGinn.  I wasn’t sure until I got there if this was an intergender match.  It was not, this Terry is a woman.  I get flack sometimes for not having a boxing gimmick but she actually did.  Doesn’t seem like a good gimmick to me.  If you’re a boxer why aren’t you boxing?  A man Terry is really named Terrance.  But a woman Terry is actually named Terry?  That’s strange.  Same thing with Billie?

The match went fine for the first two seconds.  Then she started throwing real punches.  There are many reasons why she might do that.  Most likely is that she sucks and doesn’t know how to throw a working punch.  Or maybe she was shooting on me for some reason.  Or maybe she thought I was a boxer and that would make it okay.  Or maybe someone put her up to it.  Or maybe she’s a fucking moron who thinks wrestling is real.  Her motivations remain a mystery.

In his book Mick Foley says that the reason Terry Funk, a man Terry, has such good looking punches is because he just punches you for real.  That can’t be true.  That’s too much punching.  You can’t bare knuckle punch people in the face all the time without fucking them up.  Then again this was a man who was doing backflips off ladders when he was in his 60s so who knows.

I got hold of her around the head in a front facelock of sorts and asked her what the fuck she was doing.  She said nothing and started throwing punches again.  I don’t like getting punched for real.  I have a thing about that.  I gave her a shot to the liver that would have made “Irish” Mickey Ward proud.  Her legs went out instantly and she crumbled against me.  I shoved her off of me with my knee, it wasn’t a knee strike, I was just pushing her off with me knee.  I did not knee her in the face.

Next thing I know the referee is grabbing me.  I thought he was just trying to move me back but then he had his arm around my neck.  I know when someone is squeezing me for real.  I grabbed his dick and squeezed back.  He squeezed harder and so did I.  We ended up falling out of the ring through the ropes awkwardly.  I may have kicked him pretty hard as we tumbled.  I for sure hit the back of my head on the floor really hard.

Next thing I remember I’m backstage and there’s a lot of people around yelling and shoving.  A tatted up dude that looked like Fenix only white and not wearing a mask, if that makes sense, was ready to fight people on my behalf.  I don’t remember ever seeing this guy before in my life.  Later he said we worked a show together.  I don’t recall that at all.  He said it in a weird way like we were in on something together.

I don’t think I’ll be working for All Elite Pro Wrestling again.  And no, I don’t mean AEW, there’s a PRO in there. 

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Sometimes I see guys that have military gimmicks.  Some of those guys did actually serve.  Some of them did not.  Flip Gordon has backed off of it but when he first turned up on ROH he had a low level “I served my country” gimmick.  He was in the guard for six years.

Playing the patriotism card isn’t as popular as it once was but it’s still a wrestling mainstay.  That’s fine, but I wonder how I should feel about someone doing an actual soldier gimmick.  If you never actually served, it seems distasteful at best.  Even if you did, it seems borderline weird.  “I love this country so much I quit the military and became a wrestler?”  Does that add up? 

I’ve never seen a woman try that gimmick.  I think they mentioned Lacey Evans was a Marine when she first came around NXT but that was never her thing.  I suppose trying to pull that off could upset people who don’t want women in the military.  Too risky. 

I don’t think they do it anymore but in the old days they used to have flag matches.  The evil foreigner would lose to whatever babyface was representing America.  One of my goals in the wrestling world is to face a flag match where I represent the US against a popular wrestler from another country.  What will the crowd do?  Cheer me because America or still boo because they hate me?  These are the kinds of goals that will prevent me from ever making it to the top.  Not the top, the middle. 

I’ve also thought it would be interesting to organize a tour where you go to other countries and all the bad guys are ra-ra go USA types.  I don’t think anyone would agree to do it though.  With the internet these days it would get back to everyone here and then the guys that did it would be in trouble.  It’s odd that now everyone knows wrestling is fake and yet the fans get more angry about things done in character, not less.  I was about to say that people don’t get mad at an actor for what they do in a movie but some people do.

Explain that.

Have you been injured in an accident? You have rights!

A guy contacted me because his girlfriend works for a personal injury lawyer.  He was saying that I could sue for having my uterus removed without my consent. I don’t really miss my uterus but if I can get a chunk of change for it why not?  I didn’t expect much to come of it because I don’t remember much in the way of details.  I was shocked at the amount of information the lawyer was able to dig up.

A few days later he called me back with information about a Jane Doe matching my description being admitted to Marshfield Medical Center in Marshfield, Wisconsin with a through and through stab wound just above the hip.  I thought medical records were supposed to be private but he had a lot of details.  Now I know my blood type at the very least.

A doctor named Gusttavo Bierzo is suspected of the forced sterilization of several patients but he’s already in prison for fraud and drug charges.  The lawyer wanted to sue anyway saying that Mrs. Bierzoe had assets we could go after.  I declined.  He got really mad about that.  He said he was going to send me a bill for the research he had done.  Good luck.  One of the benefits of having no fixed address.

I know when I got stabbed I was on my own, that wasn’t when I was with a foster family at the time.  I don’t remember ever living in Wisconsin but a lot of my childhood memories are muddled.  That probably seems crazy to you but there were times when I was on the street that I wasn’t sure what city I was even in.

I remember being more scared of the hospital than I was bleeding in the street.  It seemed like a hundred doctors and nurses were all crowding around me and grabbing at me.  The light was blinding.  Like an interrogation room in an old movie.  I should have strung the lawyer along, pretend to think about it and ask if he would send me some of those documents.  How long was I in the hospital?  Getting stabbed through the gut seems like something that would take a long time to get over.

My healing hands spell is great for the bumps and bruises I pick up.  Not for concussions, we know that now.  I wonder how serious of an injury it can work on.  If I got stabbed again today could I just magic the wound away?  The problem is probably that if you’re really badly hurt you can’t concentrate enough to do the spell.

I guess I’m going to have to get rich the old fashioned way.  By working wrestling shows for forty bucks a night.

Which is worse – serial killers or book snobs?

After my last post I got curious because I remember Royale saying something about a movie actress that helped him do magic.  I looked through some of the documents in his trunk and found out who he was talking about.  Bessie Love. 

From Wikipedia – Bessie Love (born Juanita Horton) was an American-British actress who achieved prominence playing innocent young girls and wholesome leading ladies in silent and early sound films.  Her acting career spanned eight decades—from silent film to sound film, including theatre, radio, and television. 

According to Royale she also faced down some kind of things they called the Sharp Dressed Men. They seduced and murdered a series of young women in the 20s.  It’s not clear from the notes if they were serial killing mages or something else.  Vampires?  Demons?  Shadowmen?  Reptilians?  When I found out about magic, one of my first thoughts was; what else is real?  There’s not a lot of information about what the Sharp Dressed Men were.

Most of the stuff is letters between Royale and Bessie, reading through them was better than any novel.  It would make a good novel.  They were friends, lovers, and magic crime fighters.  What more could you want in a story?  Maybe it would be a better comic book.  Since this trunk magically appeared by my car do I own the rights?  Probably not.  There’s always something that screws you.

I made one of my rare forays into social interaction at my last show.  I saw a dude wearing a shirt for ICWPPW Full Vengeance 2013 with “wristlock” tattooed on his wrist.  Is that funny?  He was sitting in a folding chair reading Every Note Played.  I had listened to that book and really liked it so we got to talking about it.  At first everything was fine but then he realized that I had listened to the audio book instead of reading it and he walked away in a huff because I hadn’t “really” read it.

Maybe I’ll try talking to someone again next year.