The one where I solve a bunch of crimes

On shows buddy cops up are more than just brothers.  They’re closer to their partner than they are their wife or kids.  No one else understands what they’ve been through.  They’re non-sexual soulmates. They’ll do anything for each other. 

When I was having lunch with Waldrum and Berner they looked at each other at one point and agreed they had never had a meal together before.  Another failure for scripted dramas.   

I asked them what weird thing they saw and reported to get put on the monster squad.  They wouldn’t say.  They’ve been ordered not to talk about it.  They probably don’t want to talk about it either.  It’s hard to get people to talk about normal shit.  Let alone whatever they saw. 

I asked them if there were any cases I could help them with while we waited.  They were joking but they asked me if I could find a repo man wanted on weapons charges.  I popped in to Wal-Mart in and bought a Ouija board for 20 bucks.  I thought using that would make it what I was doing more palatable for them. 

I found the repo man (not the wrestler) at the Lucky Lady Motorcourt.  Do they make shitty hotels on purpose or are shitty motels just old and they were nice once?  Their sign is a sexy lady outline like on madflaps.  Maybe they built the Lucky Lady Motorcourt specifically to aid and abet hooking.  

Waldrum and Berner were happy to grab the guy up but they were pretty chill about me using magic finding a wanted criminal.  Whatever they saw must have been something to be so nonplussed by my astonishing acts of magic.

The next day I took them to a gun they were looking for.  It was in a storm drain.  They had to get some guys in yellow vests and hardhats there to get it out.  That was an ordeal.  The hard hat guys were mad about having to do it.  The gun wasn’t visible so they didn’t think anything was down there.  So they didn’t want to do it. 

They stared at me like I had two heads.  I’m used to being gawked at but this was something else.   At one point during the argument with Waldrum and Berner the foreman looked at me and asked what I was doing there.  Aggressive, like he knew me and hated my guts.  I don’t know what that was about.  What was his issue?  Not one of them apologized when they found the gun down there. 

The next day I took them to another murder weapon.  They couldn’t do anything about that one because they didn’t have a search warrant to go inside the house.  They said they had searched the place twice before.  I told them the knife was wrapped in a bloody towel and taped to a beam in the attic.   

I told them I could summon smoke in the house and then the fire department could come and find the knife but they didn’t like that idea.  I don’t know if their objection was legal or moral or something else.  We sat outside that house for an hour while they thought about it.

They took me to dinner that night and said they were going to start calling me “Anonymous Tip”.  I tried to make a joke about anonymous tip being something you do at an orgy but it didn’t land.  I’m not good at telling jokes.   

Over a plate of chicken wings I asked their advice on what I could do to take down a rich person who was butchering drifters for ritual magic.   They asked me “how rich?” and I told them “very”. 

They told me there was nothing you can do to get someone like that and went back to eating chicken wings. 

Published by sopantooth

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