Goodluck the Somali Juggalo Bounty Hunter Episode 1

Rose Red shares an apartment with GoodLuck Johnny the Somali Scourge.  Does that mean he is Somali or that he scourges Somalis?  He looked like a white dude to me.  There can’t be an anti-Somali gimmick can there?   

After I got out of the shower Johnny GoodLuck was in the living room playing video games with Master OP, the unpainted Juggalo boyfriend who collapsed on the prior rescue mission.  I asked MOP what had happened in Rose Red’s sister’s apartment and he got pissed and left.  GoodLuck just shrugged and said that he’s been a moody bitch since it happened. 

Rose Red and I drove to the sister’s apartment.  Sitting in the parking lot she asked me “So how does this work?  What are you going to do?”  Telling her that I had no idea wasn’t the most reassuring thing I could do.  I try to tell the truth as much as possible. 

I told her to stay in the car while I went up to the sister’s apartment.  The door was still busted from MOP and no one was in there so I went to the manager’s apartment.  I can’t throw stones at anyone else’s clothing choices but if I had a Texas sized beer gut I wouldn’t answer the door a medium T-shirt. 

Other people would probably say that the manager has a mullet.  I disagree.  I think a mullet can only go down to your shoulders.  When you have a crew cut and then hair down to your mid-back that’s something other hairstyle.  I don’t know if there’s a name for it. 

What he has for sure is a sleeve of shitty tattoos that would make any wrestler proud.  I saw the top of a devil/pentagram tattoo peeking out over his stretched thin stained shirt.  His skin was weirdly smooth, hairless and shiny.  Like he was made of wet plastic.  

He had a little metal skull on his neck, a choker like a girl would wear.  Or a guy who wears mascara.  It looked like a cheap piece of crap, like the jewelry you get a convenience store.  The second I laid eyes on it I felt like someone was attacking my forehead with a power drill.  The pain was intense.  Immediate.   

I reached for it on instinct, just to block it from my line of sight.  In that moment I had no intention other than covering it.  Once I had a grasp on it the effect went away.  I heard the manager make like a grunting noise.  He turned like he was going to throw a shoulder at me.  I’m not sure what he was trying to do because it was awkward was hell. 

I yanked on the skull, intended to pulling the choker off him, but the little leather cord holding it flush to his flabby neck didn’t break.  The force pulled him off balance.  He fell and I kept a tight grip on the skull so I was drug down, bent at the waist to crack the side of my head on the doorframe.   

Next thing I know I’m sitting against the wall in the hallway with the necklace in my hand.  It must have come off over his head because the cord wasn’t broken and there was a metal grommet holding it together in the back.  Another thing that was happening was that the manager was charging through the door with a baseball bat screaming like his balls were on fire.   

I blinded him with a light spell and rolled behind him as he buried the bat into the hallway wall.  I tried to get him in a choke but he’s stronger than he looks and he shook me off.  He roared and swung blindly while I cast my strength spell and then stomped on the side of his kneecap.  He really roared then. 

When I got him in the choke finally I noticed that all the doors along the hallway were open and a bunch of faces were staring out at me – a unique mix of super old people and hard looking black dudes. 

“Don’t worry folks, I’m a bounty hunter.” 

Published by sopantooth

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