Why do some wizards have staffs and some have wands? And is there a word that doesn’t also mean penis?

The NVC told me a similar story to the one that Stella (RIP Stella, sorry I got you murdered) did about how a Confederate guy learned magic to try and win the war but the war ended before he could pull it off, so then he and all his Confederate sorcerer friends got killed by Raymond Pine and his railroad tycoon wizard friends. 

The difference is when they told the story there were way more decapitations, graphic sex scenes lovingly described in detail, and violent wizard battles with blood and gore and shit.  Some of what they said was obviously from Game of Thrones.  I know that and I haven’t even watched that show.  I kept my mouth shut because I’ve learned it’s best not to question their obvious lies, but occasionally 42561 would say about the more outrageous claims “Even if that was true, how would you know that?” and whichever one of them was talking would get pissy and say “This is the story, you want to hear it or not?”

One new wrinkle that Stella didn’t mention was Crane’s magic staff.  You see it started out as a piece of a stake from the Salem witch trials (no one was burned at the stake in Salem, they were hung) and then was used as an actual stake by a vampire hunter (that’s not how vampires work) before ending up in Crane’s hands who ritually murdered all the non-Confederate mages in New Orleans and captured their power in it. 

42561 said “A stake and a staff aren’t even the same size”, Cori scowled at her and said “it’s magic”. 

They said that after Kane (not the one you’re thinking off) was killed by Eterno they cornered him in an alley and blasted him with a shotgun.  Revenge.  Only problem being not only did a shotgun blast to the back of the head not kill him, it didn’t seem to even hurt him.  Seeking answers for how to kill the unkillable man (because of the revenge), they were told about Crane’s staff and how it was the only thing magic enough to kill Eterno.  Who is also full of magic.

And who told them about the staff and its Eterno-killing abilities?  Another wrestler, from this probably mythical Florida wrestling company, who was “a Russian voodoo priest from Peru.”  Eugenia added “You should have seen his fucking valet, total smokeshow.”

Published by sopantooth

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