To a certain degree I think if you are invited to a goat-mask orgy you know the risks

I’ve decided that if no one wants to book me, I’ll run my own show.  I did it once before.  Sure, Kim fronted the money and it only worked because of him, but that’s no reason not to try myself right?  Oh, it is?  Well, I’m doing it anyway.  This will pretty well clean me out but you know what they say, you have to spend money to make money.  If it doesn’t work out, there’s always hooking.

While I was making calls lining things up for the show, I got a text from Bora.  She was finally able to get in touch with her friend and she (the friend, not Bora) wanted to meet with me.  Bora said that she (the friend, not Bora) wouldn’t give her any details other than she was in trouble and she needed help from an expert.  Which is me apparently?

What’s a thirty hour drive between friends?  Or if not friends, at least people who don’t know each other at all.

She was “hiding out” at a hotel in Palm Springs where she had a private hot tub on her patio and two bedrooms.  Not two beds, two bedrooms.  How much does a place like that cost?  It seemed rude to ask.

I apologized for the whole “breaking into your house and scaring the shit out of you” thing but she didn’t register it because she was too eager to launch into how hard it is being a woman and a person of color in the corporate world.  After twenty minutes of that I tried to think of a way to say “Yeah okay, what does this have to do with anything?” without sounding like a dick, but I couldn’t so I just said that.

She said those struggles are why she got involved with the female empowerment group.  You see the way it works is you pay a bunch of money and then you become empowered.  For a little while, but you need to keep paying money for more empowerment.  The joke is that it worked.  Her asshole ass-grabbing asshead boss got fired and she got a promotion.  Men started listening to her ideas.  Everything was going her way. 

The system worked!  Only it didn’t.  Once she paid enough money, she got to go on the super-secret retreat with the leaders of the totally not a cult and they told her about the vitality of the universe and women have a connection to the life energy of the world and so on.  There was a lot of stuff about fertility and vaginas.  Too much I would say, but I don’t even have a cult so what do I know really?

She paid more money and went on more retreats and they told her more weird shit.  Next thing  she knows, she’s nude holding a burning candle and chanting while the queen bitch of the group is banging some dude in a goat-mask.  Once they burned a symbol into her flesh, they started teaching her some rituals of her own. 

Things were going great, more promotions, more money, more respect, more money, she was made the VP of some region for something, and did I mention the money?  When she found out that the goat-mask guy was missing, she didn’t think anything of it.  The honeymoon was over when they told her she needed to get pregnant for a project they were working on.  She said “no thanks”.  They told her that “no thanks” wasn’t an acceptable answer. 

She figured out the goat-mask fuckboy hadn’t been seen since that night.  Then she figured out he wasn’t the first guy to go missing like that.  That’s when the luster really started to come off the thing with luster on it.  Right about then someone started following her and tried to break into her house – that was me – and she made a run for it. 

Except she couldn’t really, because they could find her anytime they want because of the brand.  When I used Stella’s healing spell to make it go away, she was pretty freaked out.  She had never seen anyone do magic like that before. 

It was so easy we both just kind of sat there looking at each other.  I guess if this was a movie there would have been a climatic wizard duel between me and the leader of the cult.  Probably on top of a building during the rain.  It would look like I was going to lose but then at the last second I’d pull off some seemingly unimportant trick from the beginning of the movie and win.  But this is just life.

She asked me if there was anything she could do to repay me.  I asked her if she wanted to bankroll a wrestling show before she changed her name and moved to Indiana.

Published by sopantooth

Putting clients first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put clients (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first.

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