When I got to Phoenix, I sold the van Gary bought me and bought a 2017 Avalon. I always thought that anyone who took “dirty money” was stupid. I understand now. It is stupid. But you do it anyway.
I don’t normally give a shit about things. I loved that van. I couldn’t stand to be in it anymore. I guess I’m a double hypocrite because I sold the van. It’s not like I gave it to charity.
The wife of one of the PPW people had arranged an apartment for me. When I got there I almost laughed because it looked like a motel to me. I guess that’s what apartment buildings look like sometimes in warm places. I hope it’s better than a van.
I unloaded my stuff, which took about 5 minutes. Then I knocked around the place feeling sorry for myself. I should have let Gary kill himself when I first met him. What a fucking disaster. Someday I’ll make a decision that doesn’t come back to fuck me in the ass.
I feel like I’m at loose ends. I started thinking about forgetting all about magic and just being a wrestler. I have a real job now. For 7 months only right now, but I’m sure I can impress them and turn it into a full time gig.
Would I be happy with that? Forget about all this other shit and just be wrestler? Would that make me happy? Could I be happy if I never did magic again?
Sometimes I wonder what happiness even is. When someone talks about being happy, what does that mean? A podcast said that self-acceptance is the key to being happy. I think I’ve always accepted myself. Doesn’t seem like I’m very happy.
Maybe I’m not doing it right.
Royale told me once that true happiness is, so far as possible, to withdraw your time and energy from the service of the body, and devote yourself to the freedom and culture of the mind. So I guess that means money does equal happiness? That can’t be what he meant.
At a rest stop I saw a guy screaming at his daughter because she dropped her candy bar. It would have made me happy to beat him until his tongue detached from his mouth. And it would have made the world better. But it would have been wrong. It’s all so confusing.