If you can find footage of an actual armadillo eating lasagna I’d like to see it

English Stew gave me a call.  There’s a women’s tag tournament coming up and he asked if I would partner up with his aunt.  She’s not really an aunt, she’s his dad’s second ex-wife.  The one that didn’t give birth to Stew.  But it sounds like they’re close.

I told him that I would love the bookings but I only had one real tag match and I sucked at it.  He said that was fine.  Kinross (that’s the not-aunt) is retiring and this tournament is part of her farewell tour of the states.  She needs a partner who won’t try to steal her thunder.  And it sounds like she has a good amount of heat with various people she might be working, so she needs someone to watch her back too.  

Stew said that there wasn’t anyone else he thought of beside me.  Probably I was his third choice at best but it’s nice that he said that.  The tournament is going to be over several months with the matches on whatever cards they can get them on.  But it sounds like it might be a little bit of something.  Kinross’s matches are going to be on TV in England and she’s probably going to be in the finals so I’ll get some exposure.  

After I talked to Stew, I called Kinross and we talked for a little bit.  Her accent is completely different from Stew’s.  I was able to understand her much better.  What’s the deal with England?  It’s not a big country.  Yet every single person from there seems to have a slightly different dialect.  What’s going on over there?  Is it a joke on Americans and when we’re not around they all speak the same?

While I was talking to her, I saw a middle-aged woman with one of those hair horns middle-aged women have come into the locker room.  She was bringing Karl the Armadillo a lasagna.  A lot of male wrestlers have a network of women in towns across the land.  Women that cook for them and do their laundry and buy them shit and drive them places.  Sometimes they’re banging, sometimes they’re not.  Some of these women just like having someone to take care of.  A lot of guys wouldn’t be able to survive on the road without these safety nets.

Once again women wrestlers get the shaft.  I’ve never seen anything like that for a woman.  Where’s my homemade meatball sub on Hawaiian bread?  I guess men are better at making themselves seem helpless and needing to be taken care of.  Also better at being morally okay with taking advantage of people.  Maybe I can break that glass ceiling.

Published by sopantooth

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