The overnight manager at the Thurston Hotel is named Lisa Griffon. I think that’s the name of the woman on Family Guy. She doesn’t have a lot going on. She gets off work at 4 AM, goes home, eats a frozen pizza, watches porn and masturbates, then goes to bed. She wakes up in the late afternoon, eats some Chef Boyardee, masturbates again, and then goes to her sister’s house until it’s time for work.
She gets high a lot. I’m pretty sure she smoked crack in her sister’s bathroom. They came outside and I could hear them having an argument about it. Lisa has a friendly cat. One time when I was walking around her house while she was at work, it was outside and it let me pet it for a couple minutes. I always thought cats were more standoffish than that. It was one of those puffy ones that looks a little like a raccoon.
I got to her house at 3:45 AM. I suppose police would call it a push-in. I just walked in behind her. I did shove her a little when she turned to close the door and yelped/bumped into me. She grabbed an ashtray like she was going to try and hit me with it. I told her if she did that, I would break her teeth out with my hammer. I made her give me her phone and tell me which number was theirs. She started crying about how she had a drug problem and they had control of her.
I told her I didn’t give a shit. All she had to do was help me for 9 seconds and I wouldn’t hurt her. I had to say it a few times before she got herself together enough to actually do it. She was pretty scared.
I looked back through the history on the number. Mostly it was about drugs, but I saw the message where Lisa set up Stella’s murder. I texted that number saying that “the one with the scars” was back in room 712. They texted back “have a key ready for us” almost immediately. I stuck Lisa in the trunk of my car to make sure she didn’t have some other way to warn them.
I went and waited in the parking lot. When I saw Craig and Davenie walking towards the hotel, I came up behind them. I hit him in the back of the head with my hammer. When he went down she wheeled around and came at me. I give her this, she was a fighter, but she hit like a girl. I got her by the hair and slammed her face into the window of a car. I thought the glass would break like the movies but it didn’t. Even when I slammed her face into it a few more times.
The guy tried to get back to his feet. I thought that a hammer to the back of the head would put you down for a long while if it didn’t kill you.
Pro tip. If anyone ever tries to grab you, what you need to do is bite him. In the throat if you can manage it. A human bite delivers more force than a punch or kick. It works a lot faster than a chokehold. Ever bitten into a steak and crunched through bone? You have to get real close for it to work. But your jaw muscles and teeth easily puncture the skin and flesh of any body part of the human body. It will induce bleeding. Most importantly it scares the hell out of people.
I bit a pizza bagel sized chunk out of the side of Craig’s neck and threw him back down. He didn’t try to get up again. By then she was starting to stir. Her face looked like sloppy Joe meat. I told her to stop moving or I’d beat her head in with the hammer.
I called the police and sat on the bumper of a Jeep Cherokee until they got there.