People have been calling me out in the comments for using magic to make $1500 when I said in the beginning that I wouldn’t use magic for personal gain. First of all, I never said that. I said that I wouldn’t use magic to counterfeit money. Second of all, fuck you. I’m trying to live a life here. Third of all, that’s a good point. I’m being hypocritical if I say that RNBPL shouldn’t sell not-zombies and then I turn around and do something like this. I’ll have to think on that.
The whole thing could have easily been a disaster. I was just getting the hang of making my fetch walk and now I was jumping up 50 levels. If you’re going to swing, swing for the fences. With RNBPL helping me and the energy from the hotel, I was able to pull it off. Sort of.
I had never tried to see through the eyes of my fetch before. Or hear through its ears. Neither of which are real. The fetch is like a mannequin, nothing functions on it, they just look like eyes and ears. It didn’t work great. But it worked. It was like looking through several panes of glass on a sunny day. I could kind of tell what was going on. The audio was worse.
I didn’t catch the name of the woman “I” was fighting. Something like Bogomazova maybe. She was a little taller than me and she was solid, but she looked more like a model than a fighter to me. Maybe I just think that because she was wearing a beret and earrings though. Who wears earrings to a fight?
If there was any kind of indication for the fight to start, I didn’t hear it. Instantly Bogomazova had the fetch on the ground in a straight armbar. Had she been fighting a human woman with bones and tendons and the ability to feel pain, the fight would have been over. I feel a little bad for her. But not much because she was participating in an illegal streetfight.
Did you know that a lot of these things, maybe all of them, are organized by porn companies? I had no idea. I found out that Reality Kings used to do this all the time in the early 2000s. A lot of those shitty MMA guys from that time who everyone thought were tough and instead sucked came from that scene.
It was probably a really fucking weird fight to watch. Like seeing Frankenstein in the UFC. I had my fetch roll into a position to punch. I couldn’t make it form a fist very well though, so it was more like some kind of half-assed claw-hand strike. A human would have broken their fingers instantly doing that. It wasn’t very effective.
Bogomazova spider-crawled around into a rear naked choke. Which again, would have been a real winner against a human opponent with an airway and a need for oxygen. I had the fetch lurch to its feet and fall backwards on her. Which you see in wrestling all the time but never in a real fight. Because in a real fight, if you’re on the ground with someone strangling you, you can’t just stand up with them on your back like a backpack. Because you’re being strangled. And there’s a person on your back.
I won’t bore you with the blow by blow of the entire fight. It was a foregone conclusion for poor Bogomazova. As I said, I’m sure the fight looked weird as shit. Eventually I was able to have the fetch get its hands on her throat. Not even in any cool BJJ hold, just old-fashioned Lifetime movie guy choking his wife style.
I don’t know exactly what happened after “I” won. I was pretty close to passing out from the strain of maintaining the spell at that point. And as I said, I couldn’t see or hear very well. I think Bogomazova and her crew were accusing “me” of being on PCP or some other drug. I think the guy in charge of the thing was mad because it was a shitty fight. Everyone was mad because “I” wouldn’t say anything.
I managed to have the fetch walk around a corner before I dropped the spell and it disappeared. When I came “back” I was lying on the floor of the hotel panting like I was giving birth and drenched with sweat. I’ve never felt so exhausted. Like I had run a marathon, and then a marathon-running bear chased me another 26 miles, and then the bear pulled out a machine gun and forced me to do 15,000 squats at gunpoint.
For a moment I thought I might die. It was ten minutes before I could feel my limbs enough to crawl to the bed. Someone with any compassion would have helped me, but RNBPL just stood there staring at me. It wasn’t a look of respect anymore. She looked terrified.
“What are you?” she asked. I was too shattered to even respond. Eventually she brought me some water and helped me drink it. She said to forget about the 5 grand. She wanted to work with me. She said “I want to learn how to do that.”
2 thoughts on “Master of puppets is a terrible song and you all know it”
Damn. But did ‘you’ get paid?
I’m sure the check is in the mail