Master of puppets is a terrible song and you all know it

People have been calling me out in the comments for using magic to make $1500 when I said in the beginning that I wouldn’t use magic for personal gain.  First of all, I never said that.  I said that I wouldn’t use magic to counterfeit money.  Second of all, fuck you.  I’m trying to live a life here.  Third of all, that’s a good point.  I’m being hypocritical if I say that RNBPL shouldn’t sell not-zombies and then I turn around and do something like this.  I’ll have to think on that.

The whole thing could have easily been a disaster.  I was just getting the hang of making my fetch walk and now I was jumping up 50 levels.  If you’re going to swing, swing for the fences.  With RNBPL helping me and the energy from the hotel, I was able to pull it off.  Sort of. 

I had never tried to see through the eyes of my fetch before.  Or hear through its ears.  Neither of which are real.  The fetch is like a mannequin, nothing functions on it, they just look like eyes and ears.  It didn’t work great.  But it worked.  It was like looking through several panes of glass on a sunny day.  I could kind of tell what was going on.  The audio was worse. 

I didn’t catch the name of the woman “I” was fighting.  Something like Bogomazova maybe.  She was a little taller than me and she was solid, but she looked more like a model than a fighter to me.  Maybe I just think that because she was wearing a beret and earrings though.  Who wears earrings to a fight?

If there was any kind of indication for the fight to start, I didn’t hear it.  Instantly Bogomazova had the fetch on the ground in a straight armbar.  Had she been fighting a human woman with bones and tendons and the ability to feel pain, the fight would have been over.  I feel a little bad for her.  But not much because she was participating in an illegal streetfight.

Did you know that a lot of these things, maybe all of them, are organized by porn companies?  I had no idea.  I found out that Reality Kings used to do this all the time in the early 2000s.  A lot of those shitty MMA guys from that time who everyone thought were tough and instead sucked came from that scene.

It was probably a really fucking weird fight to watch.  Like seeing Frankenstein in the UFC.  I had my fetch roll into a position to punch.  I couldn’t make it form a fist very well though, so it was more like some kind of half-assed claw-hand strike.  A human would have broken their fingers instantly doing that.  It wasn’t very effective.

Bogomazova spider-crawled around into a rear naked choke.  Which again, would have been a real winner against a human opponent with an airway and a need for oxygen.  I had the fetch lurch to its feet and fall backwards on her.  Which you see in wrestling all the time but never in a real fight.  Because in a real fight, if you’re on the ground with someone strangling you, you can’t just stand up with them on your back like a backpack.  Because you’re being strangled.  And there’s a person on your back.

I won’t bore you with the blow by blow of the entire fight.  It was a foregone conclusion for poor Bogomazova.  As I said, I’m sure the fight looked weird as shit.  Eventually I was able to have the fetch get its hands on her throat.  Not even in any cool BJJ hold, just old-fashioned Lifetime movie guy choking his wife style. 

I don’t know exactly what happened after “I” won.  I was pretty close to passing out from the strain of maintaining the spell at that point.  And as I said, I couldn’t see or hear very well.  I think Bogomazova and her crew were accusing “me” of being on PCP or some other drug.  I think the guy in charge of the thing was mad because it was a shitty fight.  Everyone was mad because “I” wouldn’t say anything. 

I managed to have the fetch walk around a corner before I dropped the spell and it disappeared.  When I came “back” I was lying on the floor of the hotel panting like I was giving birth and drenched with sweat.  I’ve never felt so exhausted.  Like I had run a marathon, and then a marathon-running bear chased me another 26 miles, and then the bear pulled out a machine gun and forced me to do 15,000 squats at gunpoint. 

For a moment I thought I might die.  It was ten minutes before I could feel my limbs enough to crawl to the bed.  Someone with any compassion would have helped me, but RNBPL just stood there staring at me.  It wasn’t a look of respect anymore.  She looked terrified. 

“What are you?” she asked.  I was too shattered to even respond.  Eventually she brought me some water and helped me drink it.  She said to forget about the 5 grand.  She wanted to work with me.  She said “I want to learn how to do that.”

Published by sopantooth

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