Brass Knuckle Barb Wire Bikini Beach Brawl Buckle Match

My street fight got me thinking about gimmick matches.  I daydream sometimes about what I would do if I make it on TV.  Mostly I would annoy people by trying to bring back old wrestling gimmicks that no one wants anymore.

I feel like whenever you watch a show from the 70’s there’s always a dude with a bullwhip for no reason.  The only whip I’ve ever seen was a lady who was doing a dominatrix/cat thing.  That’s Catwoman I guess.  I want to bring back bullwhips.

Do people really whip bulls or is that just a name?  If you whip a bull, won’t it gore you?

Sometimes there’d be a dude with a chain around his neck.  Or a rope with a cowbell.  But my favorite is the bone.  Dudes would just come to the ring with a big femur like that was normal.  “Oh, this is just the bone I carry around, don’t worry about it.”  Maybe it’s a therapy bone.

I would also challenge people to weird old matches.  I mentioned before how my goal is to be in a flag match and get booed as the USA representative.  Another one I like is a coal miner’s glove on a pole match.  To really get all the coal miners interested in the match.  Evening gown matches, I’d love to do that.  I saw a match once with a sock full of coins.  I’d love to upset people with all that old crap.

There’s one thing I know for sure about gimmick matches – if it takes more than a sentence, maybe two sentences at most to explain the concept, it sucks.  Hell in a Cell?  Fine.  Elimination Chamber?  Garbage.  Ladder match?  Great.  Wargames?  Awful.  Coffin match?  Love it.  Anything with someone being put in a shark cage or handcuffed to something?  Don’t waste my time.

If there is a second thing I know about gimmick matches it’s that you should  make sure the gimmick works.  I watched a compilation of old matches from NWA and WCW where whatever stupid thing they were trying to do failed.  There would be a box or something that would fall apart.  Or there would be a switch that kept falling down.  Dumb stuff like that. 

TNA really hits both sides.  There’s not a lot left to come up with in the world of gimmick matches.  But they hit a home run with the Ultimate X match.  On the other hand, they also came up with the King of the Mountain match which is unwatchable.  What the fuck is even happening in that match?