I had a brilliant idea today. I was driving through Kearney and I saw a sign giving directions to the University and I thought – don’t churches in college towns have free food as a way to bring in the starving college kids to get some religion? Fucking jackpot, Kearney Church of Christ was having an event that night, all I had to do was wait. And check this shit out mother fuckers, it wasn’t some lame spaghetti dinner, which I would have been over the moon for to be clear. Right across the street is 4Q BBQ (A DRippin Sweet Joint) and they were providing the food! You should have seen the way people were looking at me as I packed away all the BBQ I could stomach. Like I give a shit.
After the food, I went and listened to the Jesus stuff for a while but I became more interesting in a conversation one of the guys packing up the BBQ trays was having. He was talking to his buddy about how he had lost his wedding ring and his wife was going to kill him. I had my second great idea of the day. I went up to the guy and I told him that I was “a little bit psychic” and I would try to find his ring. He clearly thought I was a whacko but he said that he’d be in my debt if I found it.
I’m not great at it yet, but I know a spell that can find stuff, sometimes. I figured why not give it a try? A car isn’t a great place to perform magic so I went into the church and took a seat on a pew which is maybe blasphemy? I don’t think I’m invoking Satan when I do magic but the Bible has some strong words about that. If god exists I’m sorry. It took me forty five minutes to get it right – I kept fucking up at the last minute but eventually I got it. I caught the guy in the parking lot just as he was packing the serving trays into a van and I told him that I saw the ring at some kind of gymnastics place for kids.
He said that he had been at the Kearney School of Dance to drop off his daughter earlier that day. I told him that I saw the ring sitting by a sink in the bathroom. He was dumbstruck, remembering that he had taken it off to wash his hands. His buddy wasn’t impressed, he kept saying they needed to go because his wife would kill him if he was late.
I asked him for a little something, you know, for the effort and he looked at me like I was insane – even more than when I told him I was psychic. The idea that he might give me any money seemed to be completely foreign. I reminded him of his “in your debt” comment and then his buddy said that I had probably stolen the ring and planted it there. I told him to shut his fucking face before I downsized his dick with a shovel. Probably not the right thing to say in front of Jesus people. I didn’t get any money. But they’re having a pancake breakfast tomorrow so I’m sticking around tonight.
Sleeping overnight in a church parking lot is chancy, some church people call the cops on you right away – it’s interesting how uncharitable a lot of Christians are.