Getting dropped on your head for fun and profit

Here’s the thing.  Unless you happen to get booked on a show for a women’s promotion, and good fucking luck with that, most wrestling shows don’t have any women on the card.  If they do it’s usually one match for women, or maybe just an intergender match.  It’s rare that a show even has two women’s matches.  If they get more than a couple of women on the show they just toss you all into a tag match clusterfuck and call it good.  I know most women like that because it’s easy work but I hate them.  And don’t even get me started on battle fucking royals.  

The point is that right off the bat I have 90% less opportunities to work than a man.  And that’s just the beginning.  Wrestling is fucking hard.  You need a lot of practice to get good at it.  So the less you get booked the worse you are, and the worse you are the less you get booked, and on and on.  It’s one of those self-fulfilling prophecies. 

Of course the real problem is that no one really gives a shit about women’s wrestling.  A few years back the WWE tried to cash in on whatever you want to call it at the time when people were pretending to care about gender equality.  This happens every 10-15 years, everyone gets all riled about how women shouldn’t get treated like garbage.  WWE had a women’s “revolution” and it became popular to pretend that you liked women’s wrestling.  It didn’t last long because you don’t.  It’s like the WNBA and the NBA – it exists but you can’t compare them. 

I actually work a ton for someone as new as I am and you know, being a woman.  A lot of guys at this stage would be lucky to work once a month, and women?  Forget about it.  I know women that have been “in the biz” for six months that have had one match.  I get booked because I have a reputation for being a broad that will take any bump.  It wasn’t that long ago that most women wrestlers couldn’t or wouldn’t even do a basic back bump – even the ones on TV making shitloads of money.  Their matches could be good but it was all very basic stuff – the kind of stuff a man would do in their first match.  Nothing too crazy. 

I get booked because people say that I’ll take any move you want.  My secret?  I don’t.  I’ve only “mastered” (I put that in quotes out of respect to true masters because I barely know what I’m doing) a couple spells, but two of them are very helpful for my chosen profession.  One is healing hands.  Which is just what it sounds like.  Injuries are a fact of life when you fall down for a living, I have a leg up on that because any spot on my body I can heal with magic.  More or less.  I did fuck up my shoulder one time trying to reach a spot on my back to heal it, but I was able to heal the injury I did to myself that I got trying to heal myself.  Which is funny a little.  The healing spell doesn’t even take very much energy.  Seems like it would put it doesn’t. 

But it’s the other spell that gets me booked.  I can create a fetch.  A fetch is . . . something, I don’t even know what it is really, that can look exactly like you.  You have to work on that, the first one I made looked like a six foot tall melted candle with some skin on it.  It can’t do anything, it can’t even fetch things ironically, it just stands there and looks like you.  It’s not alive but it’s like the world’s most accurate and articulated made to order sex doll.  It’s pretty fucking weird to see yourself like that.  The point is that sometimes, not often because it takes a lot of juice, I’ll roll under the ring, create a fetch, and push that back out for my opponent to do whatever they want.  Wail on it with a chair, smash it through a table, or one that people really shit their pants over – an unprotected piledriver.  The kind of stuff they do in Japan. 

It can’t sell but that’s okay in these instances because you wouldn’t sell most of these moves anyway – you’d just lay there like you’re dead, which is all that it can do.  Besides, people are losing their shit over what they just saw anyway and the guy who did the move is prancing around making an ass of themselves so they’re paying attention to that, which helps.  And yes, it’s usually guys doing whatever crazy move is being done.  Most women don’t even know anything that looks cool enough to waste using the spell on.  Which seems like an indictment but why would they learn a move that they can’t use safely?

The only part that sucks is then I’m stuck under the ring until the show is over.  And it’s fucking hot under there. 

Published by sopantooth

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