Magic works by manipulating the energy of the universe. Some people call it mana, which is dumb. Some people call it quintessence which is also dumb. Some call it chi, which I think is dumb too but I don’t say that it’s dumb because that’s racist maybe? There’s a bunch of other words for this energy but most of them are stupid. I just call it magic. The first guy that told me about magic called it ñeque, I don’t know what that means but he was from Mexico so it made more sense for him to call it that maybe.
This energy is all over the place (on earth) but mostly it’s in living creatures. You can draw it just from the “air” around you but not much. You can train yourself to store more inside your own body than most people, which I am doing, but it takes a while to really build up a good reserve. You can also get it from other living beings, either by killing them, which I am not into, or by having them give it to you willingly. That’s why a lot of magic people start cults. I don’t like that word because it has a negative spin but what else are you going to call a group of followers whose only real deal is to help you become more powerful?
That’s what all that chanting and ritual stuff is about – it helps non-magic people focus their energy and pass it to the magic person leading the ceremony. What they’re doing is all basically nonsense, it doesn’t really matter what the “ceremony” is as long as it concentrates people’s thoughts in the right way. Doing magic is hard, you need a lot of energy to do anything, which is why it helps to have a throng of followers feeding it to you.
I had one follower once. He looked like the Macho Man only not muscular. He looked like a cross between the Macho Man and that goofy skinny kid who was in all the teen sex movies in the 00s. He was in an episode of Breaking Bad too. He was the undercover cop who got Badger. My main problem with attracting followers, aside from not liking most people, is that I move around too much. To get a good cult going you need a base of operations. The skinny Macho Man did customer service so he traveled around with me for a while, I’d be driving to my next booking and he’d be sitting in the seat next to me with a laptop and a headset on taking calls. To this day I have no idea what people were calling him to help them with. Something about mortgages or bankruptcy maybe.
He’d help me out with magic but one follower doesn’t give you a lot of energy – it’s like having one potato chip, it doesn’t go far. He did more to help me by making and selling merch at my shows. He came up to me after a show geeking out about how he was a big fan and asked me if he could buy my ring gear (which is a gross thing some women do). I told him no, but asked if he wanted to join my cult as a joke. He said he was into it and that was that. He mostly wanted me to cast a spell to make his ex-wife take him back. I mostly wanted him to pay for gas and hotel rooms. I never cast any spell but eventually his ex-wife did take him back because she got knocked up by some other guy and needed help. The skinny macho man gave me the credit for it anyway.
I’m not sure how to swing it but if I could get a traveling cult with me that would really help. I don’t understand how they get money though. Those people that follow Phish around in concert – how do they make a living and afford Phish merchandise? It would be doubly useful because besides giving me their magic juice, they could all come to my shows as well and cheer for me. It would help me get booked if I brought a couple dozen fans with me to every show I worked. Plus with that many people maybe there would be a camper van or something in the mix and I wouldn’t have to sleep in my car.