What does it really mean to “own” a car anyway?

I talked to a guy today about working a show in Topeka.  Everything was going fine until he asked me what my finish was.  I told him that I didn’t have a finish and he started lecturing me about how I needed a finish, he clearly thought I was a rube who knew nothing when in reality I’m a savvy six month veteran of the biz.  I interrupted and told him that I didn’t need a finish because I always lose and then he started lecturing me about that.  Eventually I told him that I use a superkick as a finish because I’m the illegitimate love child of “Gentleman” Chris Adams.  He got angry and hung up on me.  So much for that forty bucks.

Someone nice would say that I live in a string of cheap hotel rooms.  Someone in the middle would say that I live in my car.  Someone who’s a jerk would say that I’m homeless.  All of them would be right.  When I have the money I do stay in a hotel (motel usually – if you don’t know the difference you’re not poor) but a lot of the time I sleep in my car.  It’s a ’96 Caprice Classic wagon that I bought for a hundred and fifty dollars off a wrestler called “Fanatic” Mike Mantic, talked him down from two hundred.  I asked him why he didn’t call himself “Maniac” Mike Mantic and he said that there were too many maniacs in wrestling.   Not sure if he meant that literally or not.  I should have told him to switch to “Frantic” Mike Mantic.

Despite living in it, I don’t think I even legally own it, there was no paperwork involved other than me handing Fanatic Mike a wad of sweaty bills.  It’s questionable if Fanatic Mike owned it when he sold it to me.  Whenever I get pulled over though I have an index card that I wrote “registration” on and it always works because I put a spell on it.  Magic works best that way, subtle like, making a piece of paper look like whatever the person wants to see.  Making a tree look like a duck is hard, but a piece of paper is a piece of paper, the meaning of the piece of paper is something we made up.  You look at it and your brain makes up what it is – it’s already a kind of magic. 

I’m not saying that it’s impossible to use magic to fly into the air like Superman or to shoot lightening out of your hands like Superman but I’ve never seen anyone do it.  And I saw a comic where Superman created a lightning bolt by rubbing his hand together fast so don’t tell me that he can’t do that.  Must make jerking off a real adventure.

Sometimes people ask me why I don’t just magic up some money.  They tell me that if they had magic the first thing they would do is make themselves rich.  I say to them “why don’t YOU counterfeit money, you can do that without magic” and they just stare at me because they don’t really think I can do magic anyway and were just joking around.  Learning magic doesn’t make me a criminal.  Also magic is not like getting a wish from a genie, you can’t “make yourself rich”.  The first thing you’d do is whatever the person teaching you magic taught you.  Saying the first thing you’d do is make yourself rich is like saying when you learn math the first thing you’re going to do is solve the Birch and Swinnerton-Dyer conjecture.  The first thing I did with magic was turn a pair of wrestling trunks from black to blue.  It sorta worked.  

Magic and wrestling don’t have a lot in common, other than shitty pay, but one thing that’s very much the same is that it’s not something you want to learn by trial and error.  You only do stuff someone has taught you to do safely, and you only do it once you’ve practiced it enough and know that you can do right, unless you’re an asshole.  Once you know some magic you can VERY carefully expand on it yourself but you need to be VERY careful.  You’re dealing with the foundations of the universe.  Anything could happen if you do it wrong.  Well not anything, just bad things.  

Published by sopantooth

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